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likefrogs_oblivious
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Country: United States
Gender: Female
Interests: Cynicism. Is that a valid interest, per se? Humor, sarcasm, billiards, and running water.
Expertise: I'm not good at anything. Leave me alone and let me cry in the corner.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  wastdmime
Member Since:
2/6/2005
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| I'm happy but I'm not. It makes me sad to realize I've only been here
under nine months and I've already made friends, lost some of them,
learned some of them weren't true friends to begin with, given my heart
to someone, had it broken, and am in the process of trying not to lose
it to someone else. I've been to concerts, frat parties, hookah
parties, I've been on countless road trips, and been drunk for the
first time. I've lost some hair, a lot of sleep, gained 8 pounds, then
lost 15, found new favorite bands, and gotten a tan. I'll have 56
credits by the end of the semester, I have somewhere to live next year,
and I'm registered for classes. I'll be home and in Jekyll and Hyde in
a month, seeing old friends, maybe making new ones, leaving behind the
people I've just met, leaving my roommate, leaving the person I'm
seeing, finding a job, volunteering, and trying to make the most of the
summer.
Just when I had roots here, they got torn up and tossed out to sea. I
began to recenter myself and shortly, I'll be uprooted again and
transplanted back to Alabama. When will I feel at home somewhere again?
Everywhere I go, I'm wishing I was someone else, somewhere else, that
it was later in the day or that it was yesterday again.
I'm afraid to form connections with anyone now, because I know they
will only be temporary. People talk about being friends forever, but
out of the dozens of people that have promised me that, I could count
on one hand the ones that have followed through on friendship for more
than a year. Good aquaintances? Plenty of those. Even friends. But not
really true deep friends that keep in touch and love you
unconditionally. Not the kind that are really there.
I see the pain in myself, and I feel distant from it. I don't like
that, in a way. I mean, it is a relief not to feel it so intensely. But
at the same time... I feel like I'm not living my emotions fully. And
that too saddens me.
Yet I am happier than I have been in months, in general. It's just that
I have the capacity to be sad and in pain as well. I know it's a sign
that I'm healing. I can be happy. That is a huge improvement in
itself. And with that, I must be content. At least for now.
Flow on.
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| A is for Angst, Anger, Anorexia, Attempts
B is for Brittle, Blades, Blood, Bruises
C is for Crying, Cutting, Closing off
D is for Death, Dreams, Depression, Diaries
E is for Emo, Emotions, Emptiness, Endings
F is for Fuck off, Friends who aren't
G is for God, Grief, Girl pants (if you're a guy)
H is for Hate, Horror, Hidden
I is for Impossible amounts of pain, Internal
J is for Jaded
K is for Knives
L is for Lying, Listen to me
M is for Murder, Metal, Masochism, Masks, Martyr, Music
N is for Noone, Nothing, Numbness, Nightmares
O is for Open eyes staring, Overreacting
P is for Poetry, Pills, Pain
Q is for Questions, Quests, Quitting
R is for Rape, Reactions, Regrets, Razors
S is for Studded belts, Sad, Shrinks, Screams, Suicide, Scars, Secrets
T is for Thoughts, Tears
U is for Underneath, Unhappy
V is for Vengeance, Veils, Venting
W is for Wishes
X is for Xanax
Y is for Yelling
Z is for Zipped lips.
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| Dry tears soak my pillow
My shaking pulls me out of sleep
My eyes stay shut
My heart feels closed
What did I dream that made me weep?
And then I drift away (chorus)
Into the darkness you call rest
Into the pain that you call sleep
Away from all that holds me close
And comforts and can love me.
And then I drift away again.
I drift in this void
Created when I close my eyes
Like in a fever dream
I'm next to nothing
Placed between vast empty skies.
And then I drift away (chorus 2)
Into the darkness you call rest
Into the pain that you call sleep
Away from all that keeps me safe
Away from those who just might care
And then I drift away again.
My breath comes in a gasp
My heart pounds as it jumps to life
For in my dreaming
It had stopped
Subconscious wish to end my strife.
And then I drift away (chorus 3)
Into the past of tortured cries
Of hands too large and smiles too wide
Of cuts and bruises I still hide
I drift into it all again
I drift away again.
A moan awakes me yet again
Passed through my lips without consent
I fear to sleep
So I lie and wonder
If my soul can ever be unbent. | | |
| Someone asked me what I am. Not who I am. But what I am. My beliefs, loves, hates, opinions. That's what you are, not who you are. Who you are is what you do. What you are is what you like. Sometimes they coincide. But some people do things they don't like, and thus they hate themselves. Then they are self-loathing. That is who they are.
I am sarcastic, occassionally offensive, cynical yet optimistic, with a strong sense
of humor; overly logical, moderately liberal, and I'd like to think I'm
talented, but wouldn't we all?
I sing too much, refrain from drugs, practice my poker face around
people I don't like, and compulsively solve crosswords. In ink.
I hate hypocrites, traitors, liars, cowards, bigots, proselytizers, and closed-minded people.
I love listeners, talkers, respectful conversation, intelligent
banter, stupidly humorous situations, universal morals, mutual
relations, people who can communicate, fearless livers, dedicated
friends, honorable enemies, and people who understand themselves.
I believe that people should love themselves first and thirst for
acceptance from others second, I believe that everyone always deserves
another chance, even if it isn't right now, and most of all, I believe
that happiness is the most important thing in the world.
I shoot pool. I stick my foot in my mouth rather often. I drink my tea unsweet. I go
walking in the woods barefoot. I prefer limes to lemons. I love
Dostoyevksy and Dumas. I live in the South but don't like grits. I
enjoy Quentin Tarantino. I am too competitive. I hate it when people
don't finish sentences in a conversation.
I love carambola. I have a lyric affair with the Decemberists. I
like Escher. I am a Capricorn. I love the ocean. I am in favor of an
invention that would force people who leave their blinkers on to
turn in that direction after one mile. I would walk miles in the middle
of the night to get Krispy Kreme. I have done that. If all my friends
were jumping off a bridge, I would do it too. In fact, I would go
second. I have done that too.
That's enough. | | |
| No, the sweetness will not be concerned with me.
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